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Bongzaden
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Posted: Fri Jan 13th, 2012 06:21 am |
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| The FA have just released a statement saying that any player who passes to Andy Carroll will be booked for time wasting.
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"He makes love like a footballer....he dribbles before he shoots" JC Clarke
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Bongzaden
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Posted: Sat Jan 21st, 2012 11:33 am |
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Liverpool sign a new striker from Nigeria. On the first day of training, Kenny Dalglish picks up a ball and says "ball", then he does a kicking motion and says "kick", then he points to the goal and says "goal... understand?....kick, ball, goooaaalll!".
The Nigerian says "Excuse me Mr. Dalglish, but I speak perfectly good English". Dalglish says "Sit down son, I was talking to Andy Carroll".
Is that tempting fate for today?
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"He makes love like a footballer....he dribbles before he shoots" JC Clarke
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Frankie
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Posted: Sat Jan 21st, 2012 06:55 pm |
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One word .....
LIVERPOOL !!!!
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Frankie
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Posted: Mon Jan 23rd, 2012 12:06 pm |
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George Michael has sympathised with the captain of the stricken italian ocean liner saying
"Im often left abandoned and lying on my side with a badly damaged bottom after nights of cruising"
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White Steel
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Posted: Thu Jan 26th, 2012 12:15 pm |
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| Great report on the radio this morning that "The French company responsible for the PIP implants has gone bust"
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Billy Bradshaw
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Posted: Mon Mar 12th, 2012 10:26 am |
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ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2012 EUROPE
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "P*ssed Off" to "Let's get the B*stards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
A final thought -“ Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC”.
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The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark.
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Billy Bradshaw
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Posted: Wed Apr 4th, 2012 06:20 pm |
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An Englishman is having breakfast, in Paris , one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: "You English folk eat the whole bread??"
Englishman (in a bad mood): "Of course."
...
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England ." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The Englishman listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??"
Englishman: "Of Course."
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England ."
After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: "Do you have sex in France ?"
Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
Englishman: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
Englishman: "We don't. In England , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France ."
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The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark.
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Liam
Member
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Posted: Thu Apr 5th, 2012 10:54 pm |
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| apparently men think about sex every seven seconds, luckily i managed to write this joke in sex.
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Bongzaden
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Posted: Sat Apr 7th, 2012 07:28 am |
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| Things are so bad at Anfield that Emile Heskey is now telling Andy Carroll jokes.
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"He makes love like a footballer....he dribbles before he shoots" JC Clarke
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Bongzaden
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Posted: Fri May 18th, 2012 01:59 pm |
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| After a trophyless season and a run of disappointing results, Manchester United have this morning parted company with Howard Webb.
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"He makes love like a footballer....he dribbles before he shoots" JC Clarke
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Frankie
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Posted: Wed May 23rd, 2012 10:37 am |
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Barry Gibb has asked that Robin be buried with his twin brother Maurice..................the grave digger said it depends on
‘‘HOW DEEP IS YOUR BRUV’’
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Bongzaden
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Posted: Thu May 24th, 2012 11:41 am |
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Frankie wrote: Barry Gibb has asked that Robin be buried with his twin brother Maurice..................the grave digger said it depends on
‘‘HOW DEEP IS YOUR BRUV’’
Mrs Robin Gibb was walking round her herb garden this morning when she heard someone calling her name.
"Is that you, Robin?" she said.
No love, it's just your chives talkin'.
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"He makes love like a footballer....he dribbles before he shoots" JC Clarke
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Frankie
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Posted: Thu May 24th, 2012 12:52 pm |
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Bongzaden wrote: Frankie wrote: Barry Gibb has asked that Robin be buried with his twin brother Maurice..................the grave digger said it depends on
‘‘HOW DEEP IS YOUR BRUV’’
Mrs Robin Gibb was walking round her herb garden this morning when she heard someone calling her name.
"Is that you, Robin?" she said.
No love, it's just your chives talkin'.
 
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Billy Bradshaw
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Posted: Mon May 28th, 2012 07:04 pm |
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The phone rings, and the wife answers.
A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight ass with no hair."
Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"
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The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark.
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Greeny2
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Posted: Sun Jun 10th, 2012 06:06 pm |
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Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian's. One of
the dogs was hanging its head and sighing. The second dog turned to him
and asked "What are you in here for, buddy?" The dog looked depressed,
"I'm in big trouble", he said, "My owner has a really nice sports car with
leather seats. I just love to go for rides in it. Well, the other day, he
took me for a ride and I was so excited, I pee'd on the nice leather seat.
Now he's having me put to sleep."
"I know how you feel", said the second dog. "My owners have a beautiful,
expensive oriental rug. The other day they were late getting home from
work and I just couldn't help myself...I shit all over their nice carpet
and ruined it. They're having me put to sleep, too."
Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room. "So what are you
here for?" they asked. "Well," said the third dog, "my owner likes to do
her housework in the nude. The other day, she was vacuuming and she knelt
down to vacuum under the sofa, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped
on her back and had the ride of my life!"
The other dogs nodded in sympathy, "So she's having you put to sleep, too,
huh?" "No," said the dog, "I'm having my nails clipped."
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Bongzaden
Member
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Posted: Fri Jun 22nd, 2012 02:05 pm |
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| A man sits waiting for his wife to cook breakfast. He hears a thud and goes into the kitchen to find his wife dead on the floor. He goes into a blind panic, not know ing what to do, then suddenly remembers.....Weatherspoons do an all-day breakfast for only £3.95.
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"He makes love like a footballer....he dribbles before he shoots" JC Clarke
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Frankie
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Posted: Sat Jun 23rd, 2012 09:25 pm |
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| 2 chinese men decide to rob a distillery. 1 says to the other "is it whiskey? The other replies yes, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank"
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Frankie
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Posted: Tue Jun 26th, 2012 08:19 am |
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Hodgson " Rooney was fit to play ! "
My Arse !!!
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Billy Bradshaw
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Posted: Tue Jun 26th, 2012 08:40 am |
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Frankie wrote: Hodgson " Rooney was fit to play ! "
My Arse !!!
I think this is a poor attempt at a joke Frankie. You have purposely cut the quote down for comedic effect....shocking. 
The full quote was, "Rooney was fit to play tiddlywinks."
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The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark.
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Frankie
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Posted: Sat Jul 14th, 2012 08:32 am |
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| Sky Sports would like to apologise to all subscribers for wrongly advertising they could watch Rangers in 3D. They meant Rangers in D3.
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Frankie
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Posted: Mon Jul 23rd, 2012 03:14 pm |
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| It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Kokey, but i’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
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Billy Bradshaw
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Posted: Mon Jul 23rd, 2012 03:35 pm |
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Frankie wrote: It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Kokey, but i’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
I'm nicking this one for Facebook!! 
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The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark.
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Billy Bradshaw
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Posted: Wed Aug 15th, 2012 11:49 am |
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A man in Tesco's tries to buy half a cauliflower. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers. The man persists and asks to see the manager.. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it. Walking into
the back room, the boy said to his manager 'Some prat out there wants to buy half a cauliflower.'
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'
' Liverpool , sir,' the boy replied.
'Well, why did you leave Liverpool ?' the manager asked.
The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers up there.'
'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Liverpool .'
'You're kidding?' replied the boy. 'Who did she play for?'
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The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark.
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Frankie
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Posted: Thu Aug 16th, 2012 12:41 pm |
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I picked up Stephen Hawking from a date the other night. His glasses were smashed, ankles twisted, knees grazed and eyes blackened.
Turns out she stood him up
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Bongzaden
Member
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Posted: Sun Aug 19th, 2012 03:29 pm |
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Robin van Persie's house has just burned down.
The police suspect Arsene.
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"He makes love like a footballer....he dribbles before he shoots" JC Clarke
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Billy Bradshaw
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Posted: Tue Aug 21st, 2012 07:01 am |
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The top jokes at the Edinburgh Fringe:
- 1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."
- 2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "
- 3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."
- 4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."
- 5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don't know why."
- 6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."
- 7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."
- 8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"
- 9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad."
- 10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."
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The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark.
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Bongzaden
Member
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Posted: Tue Aug 21st, 2012 08:11 am |
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| Bradley Wiggns has just been stripped of his tour de France title as he has tested positive for two banned substances in France. Soap and deodorant.
____________________
"He makes love like a footballer....he dribbles before he shoots" JC Clarke
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White Steel
Member
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Posted: Fri Sep 7th, 2012 11:47 pm |
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My girlfriend and I went to see the new Batman film for our ninth date. To summarise, our relationship so far has been:
Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner,
BATMAN!
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Frankie
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Posted: Sun Oct 7th, 2012 11:20 am |
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I was watching Jurassic park the other day, when I thought, "Not only does my son have a stupid name, but he's also a shit driver."
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bicky1029
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Posted: Wed Oct 17th, 2012 01:58 pm |
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Dezza wrote:
Before Marriage and after Marriage , read it downwards then backwards?
john--ah at last. I can hardly wait
Jane --Do you want me to leave?
john --No don't even think about it
Jane ---do you love me ?
john-- of course Always have and always will
Jane --have you ever cheated on me /
john--NO why are you even asking ?
Jane --will you kiss me ?
john-- every chance I GET
Jane --will you hit me
john---hell no , are you crazy ?
Jane ---- can I trust you
John --yes
Jane --Darling (F)(F)(F)(F)(F)(F)
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